Post-Grad Thoughts - Left My First Job

A cliché post-grad student not knowing who, what, or how they are

Hello to a void.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this or even want to but I’m mostly writing this for myself.

I graduated college in May 2025. Much like a lot of my fellow peers, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, what my future holds, who I am, what my purpose is, if I should follow my passions, etc. Well, actually it seems that some of my peers know these things but not I.

I am a cliché post-grad girl. Yes, I am aware. The job hunt has been difficult to say the least. I got accepted to teach at a charter school and they told me to resign because I “seemed uncomfortable” (their words not mine). Yes Karen, I felt uncomfortable because you wanted me to practice being authoritarian with second graders by calling them out and embarrassing them for basic things like not “crossing their feet” or not being “fast enough in grabbing their lunch”.

Pathetic as I am, I told the assistant principal that I’ll get used to it and that it’s all new to me. I wanted to quit that place since the first day, I hated that the administrators wanted to instill fear into the new wide-eyed 21-23 year old teachers. They wanted us to be scared of them and wanted us to practice scaring the future of America. But, as a first-generation immigrant and college grad who is expected to financially support their parents, I wasn’t about to quit. I know I’m resilient if not anything else.

So when the assistant principal told me write a resignation letter despite my weak pleas, I did what I was told while she stood over me. Not only did she just tell me to resign because I “seemed uncomfortable” but she stood over me while I wrote the resignation letter to make sure I did it. Besides that, she followed me out of the training center all the way to the first floor to make sure that I left the fucking building. It was humiliating.

I’m glad I was made to resign. I was miserable during the trainings and I know I would have been miserable at my job. The whole experience was illuminating, made me think hard about the things people sacrifice (morals, values, etc.) just to pay their bills and eat some food. And I was about to do the same if I wasn’t made to resign.

If I didn’t have my parents to take care of, I would choose to do the peace corps or work at a non-profit (I know they can be evil too). I grew up in poverty and I don’t want to be poor anymore but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life adhering to the 9-5 life just because I need some money. Or sell my soul and my mental peace for its sake.

I hate that I have to be employed to feel valued, like the only way people will see me as a worthwhile and valuable member of society is if I am doing something to make money. Or if I’m in school getting prepared to make money. Is that all there is to this life?

So after that whole experience, I applied to become a substitute teacher. I met my colleagues who all seem pretty nice. However, my fingerprints didn’t go through so I can’t start on the first day of school. It’s fine, I’ll just have a few extra days/weeks to feel even MORE anxious about my first day teaching of high schoolers.

I don’t really want to be a teacher. But I don’t know what else I can be doing in this horrible job market. I’ve applied to 234 jobs. Most have ghosted me, some were scams, a rare few offered interviews then rejected me, etc. So truly, I can’t remain unemployed for longer because I really do need to pay for my parents who has been waiting until I graduated to live somewhere better and be a little more financially stable (topic for another day). I have nothing else I could be doing for money at the moment so this is the next best option. I know it won’t be as bad as I am making it in my head. But I have fucking anxiety and it has the potential to eat me alive if I let it loose. I have tried breathing a lot these past few days, telling myself none of this matters since all of us will become mere dust at the end of it all. No matter what we become, how much money we make, what status we have, what relationships we gain and lose, how much sadness and pain we feel, we’ll ALL BECOME DUST. This anxiety will not prevent me from becoming dust. I’ll be fine, I just need to convince my mind of that. It really sucks living with anxiety.

Anyways, this was just stream of consciousness. Even if one person reads this, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling lost, confused, sad, anxious, and all that. I am there with you.

love,

manha